I like a good competition. I’m almost looking forward to old age so I can legitimately spend my life speed-dialling This Morning and sending off Woman’s Own crossword coupons like Mary and Norris from Coronation Street. I started early, too, winning a ‘name the teddy’ competition at school (prize: giant blue Care Bear) and a city-wide colouring-in contest (prize: Postman Pat merchandise and my photo in the Derby Evening Telegraph) before I even hit six (teen).
This one, however, ain’t for me to win. This one’s yours for the taking.
I was inspired to run it by the lovely people on the Alright Tit Facebook page who’ve been posting pictures of themselves or their children or their pets (okay, so that was just me) with copies of The C-Word. Lately, though, the fabulous FC and super-lovely Carol Jarvis (AKA @jarvbone) have gone one better (hell, several better) by sending me these corkers; from FC’s holiday in Rome (Minnie Mouse actually earned money by posing with my tome, the cheeky shyster), and from trombonist and arranger Carol’s recent tour with the rather magnificent Seal (who, I like to assume, didn’t require monetary persuasion).
So now, it’s over to you. You might be taking your copy of The C-Word on holiday. You might be reading it at a festival (and if you are, you’re clearly not having enough fun). Or you might instead like to peruse it while on the loo (photographic evidence not required). But how far away you head with your copy doesn’t necessarily matter… this gig is all about awarding the most unusual place in which The C-Word has been photographed.
I’ll give you until the end of the month to submit your entry (or entries, if you’re feeling particularly Norris Cole) to email@example.com, after which I’ll post the best of the submissions on here for you to be the judge of. Whoever gets the most votes wins. Simples.
Which leads me onto the prize. Naturally, there’s a signed copy of The C-Word in it. But since you pretty much need to have one of those already to enter (unless, of course, you’re planning to nick one and take the photo in jail – in which case, massive props), I’ll also offer up the original uncorrected draft proof of The C-Word, complete with my horribly anal amendments. Add to that some other signed books by, um, proper authors and, I’m sure you’ll disagree, you’re a mere Blankety Blank cheque book and pen and a Curly Wurly short of a life-changing prize. (Oh sod it, I’ll throw in the Curly Wurly too. Don’t ever say I don’t give you nuffink.)
So, then, while I head off for an emergency holiday in Spain to make up for the last shambles (bubble-wrap sun-dress… check, cotton-wool bikini… check, crash-pad water-wings… check), I’ll leave you to get creative. Remember – it’s about the unusual more than the far away and, provided your entry is in the inbox of firstname.lastname@example.org by the end of this month, you’ll be in with a shot of walking away with a once-in-a-lifetime, super-cool Compendium of C-Word Crap, you lucky blighter, you.