Friday 25 August 2017

Sorry, I think.

So here we are then. It’s been a while, I know. There are reasons for that I guess, and maybe we’ll come on to them at some point in this post, but the time just feels right to be honest. I’m wrestling with thoughts on whether or not I should apologise for such a delay in posting something on here for such a long time. I guess (this is probably the first reason for the delay coming up here) there’s a certain pressure that comes along with looking after this blog. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s had over 3.5m hits, I dunno. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m feeling some kind of brotherly pressure to constantly do my sis proud, I dunno. Maybe it’s the fact that everything Lisa ever did on here was so well written so she’s left a hell of a lot to live up to, I dunno. Writing was her job, her passion, her hobby, her escape and much more. Me? Not so much. I’m just a dyslexic Buyer, working in the Aerospace industry. My passions, hobbies and escapes are generally centred around being with my family and being on a Golf Course. Although I do confess to being a phenomenal letter of complaint writer, and the go to guy in the house for writing messages in cards etc, this writing jobbie isn’t really my thing. Anyway, I’ve made a decision, I am going to apologise for the delay (I’m sorry, I think), and in turn, I’m going to blame Lisa for being so effing brilliant and cranking up the pressure on all those who follow. She’s not here to slap me round the head, so I might as well make the most of being able to blame her for stuff!

There are a number of reasons why the time felt right to write a blog post again. I’ve been away a lot with my job over the last few weeks and you get plenty of thinking time sitting by yourself on a long-haul flight (like the one I’m drafting this on now). Lisa’s Birthday is also coming up next week too, so that’s a time that always gets you thinking a bit more. She’d have been turning 38 next Wednesday. It still messes with my head to be honest, how young she was and how young she’d still be. I turned 34 in January and it freaked me out a bit. Those of you who are any good at maths may have figured out that 34 was the first Birthday that Lisa never had. I felt like I was cheating her a bit by being able to celebrate it, but ultimately thankful that I could. I had a similar moment last summer too when I realised that it was the point in which I’d outlived her in terms of months. It’s a strange kind of guilt that comes with that, but as ever it quickly gets balanced out by the thought of what she achieved in such a short space of time.

As ever, she’s missed out on so much in the last year or so since I last wrote anything on here. She’s always going to miss out on stuff for as long as we’re still knocking around. I’d give anything though to get her take on what’s going on in our lives though.

Let us start with our parents. They both retired at the back end of last year, and I mean this when I say it... There can’t be many more people in this world who deserve a happy retirement than those two legends. They’re both absolutely brilliant, and we’ve been so lucky to have such dedicated parents. I need to single out my Dad here for a minute (sorry, Mum – but the world already knows you’re a hero). This is a guy who has put his family at the forefront of every decision he has ever made, and I don’t say that flippantly at all. He worked his bollocks off to be able to give his Children and now his Grandchildren an amazing start in life. Now though, in retirement, he’s been able to ensure that he and my Mum can do pretty much all the things they’ve had their eyes on and wanted to do for themselves. I just wish Lisa could see it all, maybe she can, I don’t know how that stuff works, but I hope she can. It’s not just me that thinks a lot of my Dad; I know a lot of people share my very high opinion of him. Following retirement, he was so honoured to be asked to become a Director of Derbyshire County Cricket Club. Lisa would have loved to have seen that and I know I share her pride in seeing him take on that role, in a sport that has pretty much defined our family togetherness over any other, even Football. Even now, I know he is not far off constantly thinking on how he can make things better for his family. But, despite the obvious Lisa shaped whole in our lives, things are pretty damn good. And that is pretty much all down to him and my Mum.

Next, her Niece and Nephew. They’re pretty frickin’ awesome too. Leanne and I have lucked out there. I still can’t believe that Lisa has never met and never will meet Lyla, her Niece. She’s at the age where her character is starting to really come out, and I think it is fair to say that Leanne and I will be having our hands full (in a good way) in years to come. Full of energy, dancing all the time, knows the words to half the Disney movies already. I’d just give anything to see what she thinks of her and see how much fun she could also get out of Lyla, and vice versa. For her Nephew, Corey, the one she did meet. She’d love to see how he’s grown up. He finished his first year of School last month and it would be fair to say that he took to it like a Duck to water. We never really knew how he’d get on at School and as a parent I guess you’re always apprehensive, but he took all of our worries away on his first day where he just pretty much waltzed in, got on with it, and he’s never looked back since. His first School report was the stuff of legends too. I wouldn’t say I was an emotional person, but that report completely broke me. OK, it was nice to see he’s had a good start academically, but I think all the extra stuff around behaviours, interaction, the softer skills etc., that’s what really tipped us over the edge. The bit that struck home for me from a sentimental point of view was that his teacher said “he always does the right thing”, which reminded me of an old post that Lisa had written on here when Corey was still in Leanne’s womb, stating something similar about me. Again, I’d love to be able to get her take on that. Corey’s become partial to a bit of Cricket himself, both playing and viewing, and I know he’d have loved to share that interest with his Auntie.

I know that’s all maybe sounded like a bit of a diatribe about how proud I am of all my family; and I’m sorry (I think) if it has. But y’see, the truth is, I’m an incredibly lucky man. I know, I’ve lost my Sister and I think I/we would have every right to wallow in self-pity at that fact for many more years to come. But from my point of view at least, I’ve been fortunate enough to be in a position where all the people closest to me give me so much pride. That’s not my fault, I’ve just lucked out there too I guess. My parents deserve all the respect in the world, my wife is equally beautiful as she is talented, both in her job and as a mother to our kids, who are best mates, much like me and Lisa were, and who give me so much joy. I just can’t help any of that. No lack of Lisa being around could change any of the above, but I do constantly wonder how much better it could still have been with her not having to do one so tragically early. I talk a lot about my loved ones, I know this. I make it no secret that Lisa is my favourite subject. I could talk about her all day, as I could my wife, my kids, my parents, Pete, my mates, my extended family. I like talking about the key people in my life, and that may piss people off at times, but that is something I won’t be apologising about any time soon! Maybe it is a coping mechanism of mine, I don’t know, but I can’t see me changing how much I talk about this bunch any time soon, so those of you in my path might as well just accept it.

As I mentioned earlier, there is no doubt that looking after this blog brings with it a certain amount of pressure. That’s not me complaining in any way, it’s just stating a fact. It’s not something I have an issue with and I’m more than happy to do it. Any time you have to step into Lisa’s shoes, you’re gonna be in for an interesting and difficult ride. I’m sure my main man Jonze knows how it feels from when he was looking after this house too, so I’m pretty sure I’m not alone there. So, once again, I’ll apologise for the delay in writing something on here. But it has felt good to share with you some stuff that’s been in my head. I’m not sure if I’m apologising to Lisa, her mates, the Alright Titters that had been here before, but I’ll apologise anyway.

I guess before I go, if anyone was still wondering if I was still gutted that Sheridan and The C-Word crew missed out on a BAFTA last year, the answer is yes… but I think it’s best that I leave that one there before I start claiming they were robbed (which they were) or something like that!!!

One last thing, ahead of turning 38 next week… Happy Birthday, nobhead! I do miss not being able to send you a birthday card filled with abuse!

Until next time, and there will be a next time, cheerio from me.

Peace out,




gemmak said...

I love this post. I've been thinking about Lisa quite a lot recently and as just an ex blogger mate, your little snippets of news about the people she loved make me smile, it's great to hear how you are all getting on. I don't know you of course but through Lisa I feel like I do a little. She will always be missed but she would be so glad you are all just getting on with the good stuff. :-) x

Wardotron said...

Terrific post. And my regards to your mum and dad, they are indeed legends.

Unknown said...

Happy 38th Lisa!!! Your the fourth twinkling star I look out for at night. After my nan my Gran and my mother in law. You and your brother. Are special x

LunaTechChick said...

<3 xx

Alex said...

Love this, never apologise for tempering a loved one, and know that blogs Like Lisas (and now yours,i guess) do help those of us who ate going through the same. Who read Lisa's book knowing it's the truth but how scarily real shit can get and appreciate the honesty behind it. There are many I can assure you

Claire said...

Enjoyed reading your update....just watched the film again today... And yes they were robbed!!! 😁

Marisa said...

I am in tears about the lost you have suffered. I have just finished reading lisa’s book and was stunned on how well she was able to describe her feelings and thoughts during the cancer treatments. It felt so reassuring that I am not alone in my struggles trying to cope with all the after effects of the chemo and operations. I have had breast cancer diagnosed at the age of 32, 2 years ago. And as lisa’ described so well unfortunately my life will never be the same again. Which is often tremendously frustrating but at the same time I am so happy to still be here.
After finishing the book today I searched for the blog online expecting to find information on the happy and healthy life she would be living nowadays. Knowing that the ‘klotezooi’ (as they have translated it in the Dutch book) has won really devastated me. I have been crying for the last hour since it feels like I have lost a friend. It is my biggest fear, as it is for all cancer survivors and their loved ones I imagine. I wanted to say it is beautiful to see you are keeping her memory alive with this blog and the book and that still after she is gone Lisa is still touching hearts like mine. I wish you all the best. Lots of love from Holland

Anonymous said...

Please dont say sorry, say thank you to Lisa for being a part of your life. I think she wanted you to be happy and going on with your life

Im sorry If Im not speaking correct english but i think you can see through that and into my heart... All I want to do is give you a big warm hug (and ever let you go, but that's a whole of anorher story).
Hugs and kisses to you from sweden